So, frankly, my perspective has changed quite a bit since my last blog post. My time in Japan previously both traveling and as a student did not prepare me for the Japanese workplace in the way I thought it would. This was to be expected, but here I am. There's been a lot of challenges for me in terms of feeling like I can't be myself at all and very much attempting to put myself into the typical office worker box in order to 'conform' because otherwise I feel like I will be scolded or something bad will happen to me. The Japanese workplace as I'm experiencing it, quite oppressive, particularly to a foreigner. This is what I'd been told before, but living it is quite different. From an outside perspective, it's hard to say, but I've talked with some Japanese people now about the path to life and work and it's interesting. The difference between work culture in America and Japan is already well-documented, but I'll explain a bit here, informed by my three weeks of experience so far. I think to an American, working a serious 9-5 job at the same company or office you got into after graduating college for the rest of your life isn't really realistic or the expectation, but it is more so in Japan. The work culture expects you to work long hours like overtime, respect your seniors, and not really stand out. Overall, I have found these expectations a bit exhausting.
It's difficult to impossible to have open conversation about deep topics such as how I identify or otherwise new-fangled things because not only are all the people I'm working with essentially my bosses so i don't want to talk to them about that stuff anyway, but they are all older and don't really understand or respect my 'foreigner' perspectives in general. So my thought is why would I bother. I had to give a personal introduction (自己紹介) presentation, PowerPoint and all, in which I happened to give my pronouns, and it was so confusing from them on top of my Japanese not being apt (particularly as I was feeling nervous), that it was very difficult. I frankly don't feel like I explained the usage of pronouns in the queer community well or like anyone truly got it, and I honestly at this point don't really feel comfortable giving them any more of my personal information anyways. It's been a lot for me to go through after the gloriously rainbow environment of college where I had gay and open-minded friends everywhere.
That's been the other part of my internship that's been very difficult: this term, there are no other interns in my area so I have no built-in friends and no one to talk to after work because everyone in America is already asleep. I thought being independent could be kind of cool and give me time to develop as a person, and i'd be too busy working anyway but again, it feels quite suffocating. Going to work feels like and endless boring cycle because I have no one to share my experiences with. I've particularly been confused as to what my role is and how I'm supposed to act, so most of the time I feel like I'm either in the way or supposed to be entertainment for everyone else at the company; I don't end the day feeling amazing. The workers at my office stay for overtime work until 8pm because for them it's their actual job, while I go home at 7pm because I don't really have any serious work to do, and it's a very strange process.
Of course, I recognize on some level, this is just me adjusting to the new environment, and learning in real-time the ins and outs of the Japanese workplace, but that doesn't necessarily mean I have to be ok with everything. Hierarchy is pretty strongly enforced here, and I don't really like rigid hierarchy. For me, it seems at the least unnecessary, and at worst uncomfortable and inefficient. But that's because of being raised in America, right? I didn't realize the extent to which we didn't have hierarchy in the workplace until I came here, where even the order of who is being emailed has to be from higher to lower. I've been out to drinking parties (飲み会) with the people who work at the company a few times, and just like what I've heard, it's part of the culture in that they talk and act very differently than they usually would. Nobody at work is really friends, but they also know each other somewhat well. I don't want this all to sound really blunt and judgemental. I am an American, so of course it's just very different for me. In Japan specifically, there's the concept of tatemae (建前) vs honne (本音), where honne refers to a person's true feelings and desires while tatemae is the public, socially acceptable facade or behavior they present to the world. This concept is a key part of Japanese social interaction, where tatemae is used to maintain harmony and avoid conflict, and honne is typically reserved for close family and friends.
To me, this is a tough one. I prefer being myself all the time, without the presence of a party, so I don't really know what to do at these events and usually just go along with things. Recently, the workers at the company used me wanting to know more about the rest of them as an opportunity to ask their other coworkers personal questions. Because, I suppose, they themselves are not allowed to just ask directly.
I feel like I'm 3D-chessing at all times to figure out what I'm supposed to be doing in any given social situation. This isn't new for me, but of course a different culture means a while new rulebook that I have to read. I
m still figuring this stuff out, and honestly I feel like I've just been complaining this whole blog, so I do apologized for that, but it's important for you to know that have I have been struggling to fully enjoy my experience so far. I have a hard time not being able to talk about all this because otherwise it would feel like I'm lying which is definitely not the point of these blogs. My anxiety also does not help my whole situation either, which might mean that another person's perceptions of certain situations I'm going through could be very different from mine. What I can feel and think in moments of struggle or the difficulties I'm having now can be a lot more intense than people who don't live with the sometimes overwhelming anxiety.
My current impression is that I don't think I would survive at a Japanese company any longer than my time here, the strict atmosphere and the (to me) hidden expectations and rules is really Sisyphus-like to deal with. To work in Japan in the future, I'd either have to be in a more progressive, open-minded space, or work at an international company.
On some level, I'm glad to be getting this ray experience because it's making me rethink my while future and what I want to do as a career after I graduate. Initially, the idea I'd been forming was moving to Japan and working as soon as possible, but now I'm thinking that I just want to take time to figure out a job that I can enjoy whether I'm in America or Japan. I've watched a lot of YouTubers talk about this, their great disillusionment with Japan in some aspect, and though I wouldn't say it's exactly the same for me (I expected it to be difficult, but not this difficult, I suppose), I'm always learning how green I still am.
But I'm still in Japan, so here's some fun things I've been doing:
For now, I graciously ask for you to wish me luck, and I'll see you in my third blog post.
Elizabeth Grieve, GlobalWorks Internship in Kansai