The hardest part of my time here is accepting the realization that my ethnic background has been blurred because of the community I live in back at home. Prior to my trip, it is not that I am oblivious to the fact that I am whitewashed – but coming here really highlighted that aspect. This realization has partly been degrading but also a motivation to better my Spanish. It can be hard communicating with my host family at times and somewhat upsetting when my host mom pulls out her phone to use google translate because I just cannot comprehend what she is saying. It is a reminder that I feel far from my ethnic background. I get stressed sometimes because learning a new language is truly hard. As a result, I have experienced a slight "culture shift." There will be days where I will feel so frustrated and very drained from speaking a new language and on top of that, not understanding the language and ultimately feeling disappointed.
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But as time has gone by and I began to reflect and settle in, I have begun to understand why I feel so utterly disappointed. Because of my appearance – I have tan skin and black hair – I feel like I have to uphold an expectation of understanding Spanish well. Although I know this is an expectation, I have conjured up in my head it can still be very frustrating. It hits me so hard because at home, I am proud to be a person of color; especially living in a time of extreme racism and political separation I feel proud to be distinct. Back at home I stand out – and I like it. I am the minority in my predominately white town. But besides the fact that I occasionally eat Filipino and Latino food, coming to Spain made me realize that this is practically the only connection I have to my ethnic background. I am not fully knowledgeable of my ethnic background; I do not know the language and I do not know many authentic traditions. There are other students in this program who grew up speaking Spanish and when I talk to them I feel embarrassed to use my Spanish because I fear that my accent won't sound authentic enough. Coming to Spain was a reminder of how white washed I have been. And I know this is something that is inevitable; I grew up speaking primarily English and grew up in a predominantly Caucasian town. In the past I have had comments made of how white washed I am or how my Spanish accent is too "white" and I understand now why that was so triggering – because sometimes I wish I wasn't. I think growing up in such an affluent town, it angered me when my other white friends would act ungrateful or say ignorant things – because deep down I knew that I shared those negative qualities as well. But, I felt as though I had some sort of pass because I had a different appearance than the majority, that just by being a person of color I was drastically different. Coming to Spain has really challenged this specific identity of mine. But a part of dealing with this challenge is accepting what is and remaining open to learning a new culture.
By Elise Alvira, Diverse Ducks Ambassador
Intermediate Spanish Immersion in Segovia, Summer 2024