As of this writing, I have now been in the country of Jordan for a month, and find myself surrounded by truly incredible people and fellow students. I live in a building made of tan stones, up the street from a mosque whose call to prayer goes out five times per day, and around the corner from a fruit market (the fresh figs are my favorite). My time abroad has been beautiful and difficult, both of which are things I expected it to be. I have traveled before, and my experience was similar, filled with intense emotions and tiredness that is unparalleled by what is felt when you are in your comfort space.
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The hardest part is knowing there is nothing that will allow the entirety of my being to be accepted here. Similar (and yet different) to the States, I live outside of the expected gender experience here. However, the added piece is I do not know the culture enough to push the boundaries of expectations in a thoughtful way. Just as there are great thinkers and queer theorists who have broken every single rule American culture could possibly leave unwritten, there are similar thinkers and activists here. However, it is not wanted of me to carve an Americanized idea of space for queerness in any culture that is not my own. So I sit with friends, some also queer and some not, who love my multitudes and we speak of self discovery and respect.
As a language student, I have experienced culture shift, but with an added twist of I understand some of the conversations which take place around me. By knowing the language I offer myself to the vulnerability of constant failure. So not only are my frustrations at myself in the culture which hosts me, they are also at my own inability to communicate at the level I think I should. On the flip side, there is a feeling of accomplishments when I am able to communicate in Arabic, albeit brokenly. I feel I am able to offer a small bit of respect which does not assume my own language is the requirement for existence regardless of my location. Similar to the way I handle my queerness, I also handle culture shift through the community I have created for myself here. It is rare for me to be the only one who misses home or feels lonely or is ill from food or had a mental breakdown as a result of constant unattainable standards for myself in a language that is more difficult than almost any other. I write of these things not because this experience is a bad one, but only because the ability to mask feelings and thoughts under a comfort zone is no longer available when one is traveling.
And yet, each day I wake up to my 6 a.m. alarm reminding me there is more to study in this near limitless language. I exchange a cheerful four or five greetings with our doorman. I devote myself to another day. For at the end of this time, I will only remember that I tried, and the success I found was not what I believed it ought to be. It was better.
By Abiel "Avi" Locke, Diverse Ducks Ambassador
Intensive Arabic in Amman, Summer 2023